My Illusion
by SynfulRegrets
Summary: Ritsuka's letting his own clouded judgement stop him from seeing what's really there. One night and a misunderstanding will make him see that he is in fact very wrong.


Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own it.

Summary: Ritsuka's been wrong about things before and he's definitely wrong about Soubi. When he runs away one night and almost ends up dying from hypothermia, he gets a shock to find he's not all alone after all. That and Natsuo and Youji lock Soubi and Ritsuka in a bedroom for a night and let the two work it out.

A/N: If anything, blame all the heat that I've been in for writing this, I have. XD!

"Speaking something"

_Thoughts_

**My Illusion**

_By tragic ending_

The day itself hadn't started out so great. He didn't get enough sleep last night and waking up with his mother's yelling wasn't a good thing. She was yelling that he wasn't her Ritsuka like many times before, but for some reason it was affecting him this morning.

He got up and dressed in his usual attire for school and quickly but quietly went out the front door towards school. He couldn't stand to be in his house any longer and it was a miracle to him sometimes that he was still alive from the beatings and fights he accidentally got in with his mother.

Once on school grounds, he relaxed some and met up with Yuiko and Yayoi like usual and went in for a day of hell or in other words known as school.

Half way through the day, he was actually looking forward to seeing the tall, handsome Soubi for once. _It's gotten so bad that I'm looking forward to seeing that man. What is wrong with that thought? Oh yeah, it's not supposed pass through my thoughts. _Ritsuka thought as he let his head fall onto his desk.

There wasn't much for him to do since a pop quiz was given by his teacher and he had already finished that with more than enough time to spare. He had already tried counting the lines on the ceiling, which he did three times and now he was resting his head on his cool surfaced desk.

He looked up for a second and saw the teacher sitting quietly at her desk writing. His eyes went back down to his desk and he looked at it for a long while before hitting his forehead against it a few times, but very quietly. He didn't want the teacher to notice him and ask why he was doing such a thing.

Hitting his head actually made him feel better about being in school, but it didn't clear his thoughts like he would have liked. Also, it gave him a slight headache and a red mark on his small forehead that made it itch slightly.

Yuiko looked over at Ritsuka when she finished herself and saw Yayoi looking back at her and Ritsuka. She had recently begun to accept the fact that Ritsuka would never return her feelings. She liked him very much, but she was getting over him slowly. Yayoi hadn't been professing his love to her or challenging Ritsuka, which made her kind of angry, though she wouldn't want to willingly admit it.

Yes, she had begun returning Yayoi's feelings, but she was far from saying that to his face or anyone else's. She also knew about Ritsuka's and Soubi's complicated relationship when she caught the two in an embrace one day. The blush on Ritsuka's small face and the smirk on Soubi's was more than enough for her to get the message. Sometimes she wished she had never seen the two together, but that would only mean more pain in the end when she did find out.

The rest of the day passed uneventful, which was very normal and boring for the three. They walked outside the gates of the school and saw Soubi's lean form up against the wall waiting for none other than Ritsuka.

Ritsuka was torn being mad and happy at seeing Soubi, but didn't show it. Lately, whenever he and Soubi were alone together, Soubi would never utter those three words that he wanted to hear from, well anyone. He wanted love, and he was willing to believe a lie at this point as long as he felt accepted by someone.

_I know my name is Loveless, but does it really mean that I have to live without the feeling of any form of love? _Ritsuka stopped dead in his tracks at the thought in his mind made for more questions that he couldn't answer. He was more confused and angry than ever. It made for a hard realization. A hard realization that he had been denying for so long that when he thought it just now, he didn't know it would hurt as much as it did just now.

Soubi, who was walking right next to him noticed him stop suddenly and did the same. He was beginning to worry about Ritsuka lately, but didn't want to say anything in case he got a bad reaction out of Ritsuka again.

Yuiko and Yayoi had left about ten minutes ago and things had gotten quiet instantly as the two went away. It was a thick silence at the moment, which was something that happened a lot lately, but it was never this bad before. _Something had to have happened that was really bad this time._ Soubi thought as he saw the blood from Ritsuka's face drain quickly and worry and fear show through.

Soubi reached his hand out slowly and touched Ritsuka's shoulder lightly, snapping the other out of his thoughts. "Ritsuka, are you okay?"

As the hand touched Ritsuka's shoulder, his train of thought was paused for a minute, but when he looked up at the man in front of him, he had to wonder.

Soubi got no immediate response from the young boy and worry was flooding his entire body in an instant. Ritsuka would usually smack Soubi's hand away and say he was fine or glare and walk away quickly trying to avoid the topic. This time was different and Soubi needed to know what was troubling his sacrifice.

"Soubi," Ritsuka spoke in a whisper. "do you love me or is it just an order from Seimei?"

If Soubi hadn't been who he was and had control like he did, he would have gasped, but since he was Soubi, he just sighed. _It all comes back to this. _He thought as he looked at the pale, young face in front of him. Sometimes he couldn't believe that Ritsuka was so young with the way he thought, but when that temper of his shown, he knew his age.

"Of course I love you. I wouldn't say it if I didn't." he responded in a smooth, calm voice that made a part of Ritsuka melt and the other part burn with anger all at once.

Ritsuka's glare was fixed on Soubi and Soubi couldn't help but feel somewhat relieved. "You didn't answer the question Soubi?" he hissed making Soubi inwardly flinch at the anger that dripped from it. Ritsuka had never used that tone before, which made Soubi start thinking when or what made him like this. "Do you love me because of an order or is it real?"

Again, Soubi's hand touched Ritsuka's small shoulder and pulled him into a comfortable hug. Ritsuka would've resisted, but he found he couldn't because of Soubi's strength. They stayed like that for a while in the middle of an empty sidewalk on the way to Soubi's apartment.

"I love you-" Soubi started, but Ritsuka stopped him from continuing.

"Can I really believe that?" Ritsuka asked, trying to look up at Soubi's face. He desperately wanted to believe the man who was holding him in his arms, but it was so hard when you didn't know if it was real or not.

He truly hated his name and wished its fate on someone else, just not him. He wanted to go back to being a normal kid again with his brother Seimei, but that wasn't possible. Nothing in his life went his way. Every time he thought it couldn't get any worse, it did and he cursed at anything or anyone he could to make it bearable.

Soubi held onto Ritsuka tighter. "If you want to believe me, you can." He responded while resting his head on Ritsuka's.

Ritsuka always got that answer when he asked and it always made him mad. This time though, he found himself laughing bitterly which loosened the arms around his slender body. When he looked up he found a pair of shocked and amazed eyes. _It's always been impossible for me to believe in him. Why should I start now? _Ritsuka thought as neither him nor Soubi moved as his laughter calmed down.

"Sounds like orders to me." He said breaking the silence and making a part of Soubi feel horrible. It was hard to do that to Soubi, and Ritsuka accomplished that in an instant. "Well, let's get going." Ritsuka said turning his back to Soubi and started to walk towards the apartment. "I want to see Natsuo and Youji before I have to go back home."

Soubi watched Ritsuka walk for a few seconds before catching up and falling into step with him. They walked quickly to his apartment in a silence that neither minded, or at least Ritsuka didn't since he had gotten his answer. He knew that Soubi feeling anything for him was a lie but a part of him wanted to believe it was true. Now that he had an answer, he was a little sad, but the worst part was over.

They entered the apartment and saw the two zero boys sleeping on the couch. They cuddled together and looked so peaceful that it made Ritsuka a little sad that he would never have that with anyone. Finding out the truth was now taking an effect on him, something he really didn't want to go through at the moment.

Ritsuka took a deep breath and smiled slightly at the two. Soubi saw his hesitation before their eyes met. He didn't have much time to react when Ritsuka rushed out his front door and ran away from him.

Soubi knew his words didn't help Ritsuka in the least when he asked him if he cared earlier, but he couldn't say anything else. If he did, then that would make his Ritsuka even more confused and frustrated, if possible. He really wished that Ritsuka was either older and could understand things better, or just believed him.

All Soubi's thinking came to a halt as he thought about the last thing that he said to himself. _If he just believed me? If he did that, then he wouldn't be the Ritsuka I know and have come to care for deeply. Damn Seimei, now I really have to question why you asked me to take care of Ritsuka. It only seems to be hurting him._

Ritsuka kept running and running and didn't stop even when his lungs started to burn and he felt like throwing up. He didn't want to stop and admit that he was wishing Soubi would be behind him or would come to find him, or at least someone would. _If only..._ he thought to himself sadly. He finally stopped when he was in the woods and leaned up against a tree.

It was winter time and Ritsuka noticed that he only had a light jacket on and that the sun was setting and nighttime was darkening the skies. It was a new moon, so there was no moonlight, which didn't help Ritsuka any now that he realized that he didn't know where to go to get out of the woods. He was dreading his rash decision of just running without a destination to get away from Soubi at the moment.

For once, he was sad that he wasn't home in his warm and comfortable bed, even if it was dangerous for him to be living in there with his mother. He was really missing Seimei right now, but he knew he was dead and had been dead for a while now. _Damn, I need to stop thinking about him! He'll never come back! Not now, not ever! No matter how much I wish and cry every night! I'm all alone now since he left._

Ritsuka's thoughts plunged him into a depression that he had been trying to fight off lately, but now it seemed to be breaking down all his walls. His loneliness and pain had finally become too much for his young mind to handle and the tears fell once again, but this time not for someone else, but for himself. He was crying because he knew that no one would come, that he was alone and that no matter how much he wished for things to go his way, they never would. He would lose everything in the end and he couldn't do a thing to stop it.

No matter how many times Soubi told him that he would be by his side, he couldn't help but feel that no matter what, they were all lies to build a false trust between the two. He knew he was right because of the possibility that if Seimei were to come back, Soubi would disown him and he would truly have no one left. Yes, he had Yuiko and Yayoi, but that was it. They were friends, but he wanted someone to love him and someone he could learn to love. Just someone to be by his side and one that would never leave, no matter what.

_Like such a person exists. I'm just living in an illusion that will be shattered one day and that will be when it all ends. Hell, it could be tomorrow for all I know. _That last thought seemed to put a smile on his round face and he couldn't help but feel a little better that the possible scenario that was webbing its way into his mind.

His eyelids were getting heavy and he didn't even notice it. He had slowly begun to fall asleep, the tears still falling from his broken eyes that held nothing but sorrow and pain. The cold that he was in had become nothing to him since he was already numb from the inside. Nothing had much of an effect on him at the moment. He sat there asleep against a tree with his never ending tears for all the times he had been hurt spilling down, not caring at all to stop even after he did fall asleep.

Soubi had noticed that it was nighttime and was a little worried for Ritsuka. He had walked over to his house and found the door locked. It was unusual since it was always opened and when he looked inside for the familiar figure on the bed, he found nothing but a dark, empty room. It seemed as if Ritsuka hadn't been there at all today. His worry grew as he dialed the number to Ritsuka's cell phone and picked up the voice mail. He was supposed to be the only one to not answer when called, not the other way around.

He didn't stop there and went searching for Ritsuka. The zero boys had run into Soubi and asked what was wrong. By the look they got from the older man, they knew it had something to do with Ritsuka, his sacrifice. Both were itching to make fun of Soubi, but held back when they saw the worry and pain in his eyes and quickly wanted to help in anyway.

After a short chat, all three males were out looking for Ritsuka. Soubi would take one side of the city while the other two would go together and look on the other side.

Natsuo and Youji had taken the side with the woods and looked there last, but eventually found Ritsuka after three hours of searching. By that time, it was already 1:30 in the morning and a little below freezing. Both saw how pale Ritsuka looked and how tears were leaking from his closed eyes. Both would have thought he looked peaceful if it weren't for the loss of color and the crying.

They quickly picked Ritsuka up and went to the nearest pay phone to call Soubi and tell him that they found little Ritsuka and were heading to his apartment as fast as they could. They knew Soubi would get there quicker and told him to get things ready for Ritsuka since he was sure to be sick soon and would need to be warmed up quickly.

Soubi had been relieved when Natsuo called him and told him about Ritsuka, but his blood ran cold when they told him to get to the apartment, and fast. He was told to get things done for their arrival. He was already worried out of his mind and now that he knew Ritsuka was found, he couldn't help but feel worse now that he knew what happened and where he was found at.

He made it to the apartment in a flash and got extra blankets out and anything else he thought was needed. Natsuo and Youji were both pulling Ritsuka up together and managed to knock on the door. Soubi rushed to it and took Ritsuka from their grasps and felt how cold he was. There was barely any heat coming from his body and his lips were already blue.

"It got worse as we brought him here." Natsuo said snapping Soubi from his thoughts. "We tried warming him up some, but we could only do so much and we were outside, so taking off his clothes would only make it worse."

Soubi nodded and turned quickly. He made a beeline for his bedroom and set Ritsuka on his bed. He took the clothes off of him and put warmer clothes on him and covered him in blankets. He waited for twenty minutes and noticed that Ritsuka still looked as bad as he came in. Natsuo and Youji came in to see how he was doing.

"He needs body heat, not blankets Soubi."

Soubi frowned when he heard Natsuo tell him that. He looked up at the two and they just smiled before leaving the room. His sigh filled the room as he took off his clothes, leaving only his boxers on and slid in the bed with Ritsuka and held him close. He almost jumped out of the bed when his skin came in contact with Ritsuka's but only tightened his hold on his Ritsuka and dozed off to sleep after an hour.

The sun shone brightly through the window and Ritsuka scrunched his face, not liking how it was waking him up from his sleep and buried his head in the warmth that was surrounding him. He stopped when he realized that he was snuggling into someone's neck. He tried pulling back, but found that the person's hold was solid and knew it wouldn't be letting him go anytime soon.

Panic was flooding his system until he noticed that familiar blond hair. _Soubi? I'm at Soubi's? How is that possible?_

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard a groan and felt the arms around him shift and pull him closer. That's when he realized that he was naked and that Soubi was in his boxers. He blushed, turning red all over and felt his anger building again. Soubi must have sensed it because he woke up and looked at Ritsuka.

They just stared at each other for a minute before Soubi kissed Ritsuka softly on the lips. He pulled Ritsuka closer into his arms, if at all possible, thanking whatever god that his Ritsuka was alright and that nothing bad happened to him. Of course he was mad at Ritsuka, but he was more thankful and happy at the moment to see him awake and even happier to see him mad at him again, though he was certain that later on he wouldn't be.

Ritsuka didn't stop the kiss that he received from Soubi, nor the tighter press of the arms and their bodies as they laid in Soubi's bed. He was still confused as to how and why he was in Soubi's room and also naked, but at the moment, he was enjoying the warmth the older man was giving off. He would argue later, but for now, he just wanted to relax his tired mind and body, if only for a little while.

"Please don't scare me like that again." Soubi broke the silence with his plead to the younger boy in his arms. Ritsuka tensed in Soubi's arms, not wanting to talk just yet, so he waited and kept silent. "You had me so worried last night and when Natsuo and Youji came in with you, I thought my heart stopped." The arms tightened, almost making it uncomfortable, but Ritsuka didn't make a sound. "You were so cold Ritsuka and I thought you had stopped breathing for a while. You were turning blue."

Ritsuka stopped Soubi from continuing by hissing. "Sorry that I was such a bother to you. I'll make sure to never do it again."

He didn't even know what happened, but he was pressed against the bed on his back and looking up into the livid eyes of Soubi and it scared him. Yes, he had seen Soubi get mad before but never at him. His shoulders were hurting from the pressure Soubi was using on them and he was effectively pinned down by the larger man.

"A bother! You a bother! God damnit Ritsuka! You're anything but that! I love you damnit, whether you believe it or not!" Soubi's voice rose in volume as he spoke, making Ritsuka wish the mattress he was lying on could eat him up right then. "You will never do that again. I beg of you not to do that again."

Ritsuka was sure his eyes were as huge as saucers and his mouth was hanging open as he heard Soubi, could he say beg? _I didn't just hear him beg me to do something, did I? _Soubi repeated it again, making something in Ritsuka turn. _Oh god, I did. This can't be happening right now. Why is he doing this?_

Soubi kept repeating the same sentence over and over again, that is until he felt a small hand touch the side of his face. It was soft and smooth as it moved across his face and moved to his lips before going to his neck.

"Prove it." Ritsuka's voice was a little raspy and was barely heard by Soubi, but he still heard it. He must've had a confused face because Ritsuka was actually smirking at him. "Prove to me that you love me and maybe I won't do it again."

Soubi never knew Ritsuka would ask of such a thing, but he knew that he wasn't ready yet, so he just did what they had always done before. He leaned down and closed the distance between their lips in a soft, but loving kiss. It started out slow since Soubi didn't want Ritsuka to feel uncomfortable. The two parted after a few minutes to catch their breaths.

"I need to get ready for class Ritsuka." Soubi's words barely registered, but it clicked when he felt Soubi getting up. His warmth was leaving him, something he wasn't so happy about. "I'll be back in two hours." He said getting clothes from his closet and dressing. "Just get some rest and I'll be back before you know it." He walked to the side of the bed and leaned down again, capturing Ritsuka's lips with his own in a chaste kiss. "Also, Natsuo and Youji are here, so while I'm gone ask for anything that you need." he said before going out the door of his bedroom and leaving Ritsuka by himself.

Ritsuka just laid there looking at the door, not moving a muscle since Soubi had left. He didn't know what he just did or what it would bring, but a part of him was happy that he did.

_Maybe he was telling the truth last time. I can give him a chance to prove it before I completely push him away for good, right? Am I able to have the chance to do so?_

Ritsuka's eyes were getting heavy as sleep claimed him once again. He was dead to the world again, but for the time being, it was the best thing his exhausted mind could ask for. All the emotional strain that had fallen before him was being put to rest as he tuned it all out, just like Soubi asked of him to do.

When Soubi would come back, things would start anew and feelings and fears would be confronted and sorted out. For now rest was needed and school was needed to be passed if Soubi wanted to come back home in a good mood for both his and Ritsuka's sakes.

Ok, tell me what you thought. I have to say that this kind of sounds like a mix of my other two, but that's just the way I was feeling when I wrote this. Go ahead and blame me for not being original enough to come up with something new, but get over it! I have! XD! Anyways, **review**!


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